It’s Always a Good Idea to Carry a Big Axe
Big Fucking Axe
I was sitting in the passenger seat of my friend’s car one night holding his new axe and got to thinking; It’s always a good idea to carry a big fucking axe. I mean, you never know when you might need one. They can be very handy.
What if you’re stranded somewhere and need to cut some firewood? Are you just going to freeze to death? You will if you don’t have a big fucking axe.
What if you’re out in the woods driving and there is a cactus that some old man with a growth on his chest and really thin arms put in the ground because he always wanted a cactus but doesn’t live in the desert so he had to settle for a stick with nails it in instead, you run over the stick with nails and your tire goes flat? You go to get your spare tire and realized you are already using your spare since you forgot to get your real tire fixed. You go to the old man’s house only to find out that the old man has been dead for two days and it smells really bad so you can’t stay inside. Holy Shit! Now what are you going to do? It’s late at night and your tire is flat. You’d better get some firewood. Are you going to be alright? Hell no. Why? Because you didn’t bring your big fucking axe, dumbshit!
What about the vampires? What are you going to do about them? What if one of those assholes tries to come and suck your blood? Are you going to take that shit? Not if you have an axe! Plus, if your handle is made of wood and you sharpen the other end it will make a mean vampire-shit-ruining stake. Dracula Sucks!
Goddammit, I almost forgot! What about the rapists?
What if Tetris Poodle comes and tries to rape your ass and you don’t have a fucking axe? Just make sure you aim before you swing because if you miss, you’ll have to deal with the consequences, but shit, It’s better to have a chance rather then not, right?
What if an army of ball-stomping zombies comes and tries to do what they do best? What if that old dead man with the growth on his chest and thin arms comes back to life as a zombie because you read a passage from The Book of the Dead that happen to be sitting in his house and he tries to stomp on your balls! What are you going to just let it happen? Hell no! Not if you’ve got a fucking axe!
Never mind the host of other problems that can be solved with an axe like demons, mutant leaches, werewolves and alien invasions, I mean, it should be as natural to carry an axe as it is to wear pants! You have to! Never leave home without your big fucking axe.
© Akira Wing 2004 originally written and posted on 1up.com on Sep 28, 2004 2:32AM PST
